Of Strength, Delicacy, and Tea
by Zamael
Summary: Just how badly did the trolls miss the point of the game? Equius demonstrates.


Crash.

As small sound as it was, the small porcelain cup falling down and breaking on the rock floor, it made much more of an impact in the Land of Caves and Silence, where no other sounds were typically heard at all. It echoed across the tunnels and vast underground halls, followed by a frantically muttered "Fiddlesticks."

Equius Zahhak had absolutely no idea what these things were doing here: tea accessories, with cat pictures painted on their sides, were the domain of Nepeta's land, not his. As far as he knew, the gate he was going towards led into LOLCAT: perhaps she had brought them here? And... littered them all across the floor, and on fragile and unstable pedestals, so that he could not walk five feet without breaking something?

Well, she had done weirder things.

Many more crashes followed as the troll strode through, making absolutely no attempt at trying to dodge or salvage the cups, pots, trays, or little cat figurines that fell as a result of his march. Steel shoes mercilessly crushed any cup foolish enough to lie on the ground in his way, or fall there. The smell of strong tea filled the cave as the contents of the pots spilled and spread across the ground like blood.

He saw something glitter, torchlights, in a small side chamber to his left, and decided to explore. He did not, usually, having little interest to all these puzzles and their rewards, and having managed just fine so far with nothing but his bare hands, but the tea sets continued this way, and he was mildly intrigued by their presence in his land. If they were put there by his moirail, he should probably investigate them, if only to see what she wanted with this nonsense.

It soon became clear that she was not the one responsible, as a relatively strange sight filled his vision in the chamber. The air was filled with tea pots and cups, held aloft by ropes and string, creating a defensive grid that strongly reminded him of the security in his own hive. These were far inferior, of course, not the least because they left holes big enough for a small troll to pass by without breaking anything: himself, of course, was not only a little too big to not touch them, but also too STRONG, certainly breaking any cup or rope he came to even the smallest contact with.

"You cannot pass," someone said: it was a small, old amphibian voice, from around his waist, to his left. This one was wearing robes and had an impressive beard. He sat right next to the entrance to the complex, hidden in the shadows until he had spoken. "I saw you stumble through the porcelain like a clumsy oaf: were you to keep that up, you would never pass this hallway. Glub."

In the middle of the room, Equius saw, lay his prize: on a pedestal he saw a massive, mighty, truly STRONG-looking bow. "What use is strength if you break everything you touch?", the creature continued. "Is your strength truly as prodigious and amazing as you claim, if you have no control over it?"

He observed that the very first obstacles were large and sturdy-looking tea pots, held up by similarly strong hemp rope. But as he looked further in, he saw that the pots became smaller, eventually just the tiniest of cups, and the ropes were thinner until they were barely visible wire. "If you wish to pass, you must be as delicate as you are strong, as soft and gentle as..." It started out as barely possible for him to get through without breaking or snapping something, but became progressively harder: he determined that as he was, he could not get very far no matter how he tried.

"Learn control, Heir of Void, and become truly worthy of your name and position, become a..." Equius followed the ropes up to the ceiling, and saw what appeared like primitive laser cannons. His proficiency with metal and electronics easily told him that though these things seemed old and not working, they were very much so, and very powerful: a blast would harm even him, possibly be lethal, let alone a whole swarm of them. And each time a rope broke, a cup or pot holding them together smashed apart, one would be triggered and fire a high-powered shot at him.

He really wanted that bow, though. Now all he needed to do was... ah, yes. He understood the meaning of this test now. And he would not be found wanting.

"...to even wield your prize without breaking it. Once you pass, you can finally wield the bow and even-" The little creature stopped talking in an instant as Equius roughly grabbed its throat and STRONG-TOSSED the screaming creature into the wires. The first tea pot smashing apart, the first cannon firing at the amphibian, was more than enough to end its life, but its bleeding and broken body flew on further nonetheless, soon riddled with more holes as more string was snapped and more laser fire passed through it. What was left of it finally smashed to the wall on the other side, in an unrecognizable puddle of mutant red blood.

When the smoke cleared, the blinding flashes ended, and the loud bangs dissipated, returning the place into silence once again, Equius saw that his path to the bow was now unhindered. The walls and ground were full of smoking craters, but no ropes or teacups hindered his way anymore, and so he walked, and picked up the bow. It was a thing of beauty indeed: made of several strong girders, the string of nothing less than thick steel wire, this was truly the weapon worthy of a noble troll. He drew it.

Predictably enough, it instantly snapped in half. "Fudgesickles." Oh well, it would still make for a mighty clubbing instrument.

He briefly wondered what that creature had been talking about, as he continued on towards the gate. Probably nothing important.


End file.
